Big boys don’t cry.

I have thought long and hard about writing a blog post about mental health and wellbeing knowing how many specialist blogs there are out there with this focus. From the outside it feels and looks like a community where you need a validatory feature to be taken seriously or listened to. So I guess I feel I should make a few things clear from the outset but hopefully without alienating anyone. I have never had a diagnosable mental illness. I have never been a professional sports person, and nor have I ever suffered from physical or mental abuse. Most importantly, I have never, thank god, been in a position where the thought of ending my own life has ever crossed my mind. No matter how difficult an experience I have ever been through, I have always expected to get through it and that the family and friends I have around me will still be there.

I make no apologies for pointing all of this out or wish in any way to detract from the very real struggles of others. Interestingly, this was a really hard first paragraph to write as it’s all about identity by defining what I’m not whilst hopefully not offending those whose life experience is very different from mine. I know from the very personal stories I hear as a listening volunteer at Samaritans how different that people’s lives can be and just how desperate that can make someone feel. To feel that not only is there nothing worth living for but that the world would somehow be a better place without you is a very sad, isolating and difficult place to get back from. Although I have experience of talking to people who feel they are in that position, I can’t possibly really understand it let alone imagine the depth of that dark place.

I started this reflection by defining what I’m not but also by highlighting that in mental health blogs, there’s an overwhelming feeling that without one of these identities what can you possibly add to the issue? It is estimated that between 4% and 10% of the population in the UK suffer from an identifiable and diagnosable mental illness, the most common of which are anxiety and depression. According to the charity, Mind, in any one week 8 in 100 people in England will be suffering from a mixture of anxiety and depression. I have also read a view that the variation in mental wellbeing is more often a reaction, emotional and physical, to an event or series of events in one’s life rather than an episode of mental illness. In this scenario the question changes from ‘What’s wrong with you?’ to ‘What’s happened to you?’.

So in terms of anxiety and depression or low mood, the number of people who at any one time may be experiencing feelings that make them mentally unhealthy, emotionally unstable or unusually vulnerable is considerably higher, probably than most of us would expect. That may go some way to help in understanding why around 10 in 100,000 people in the UK choose to end their own lives. Research by the Samaritans charity shows that around three times more men than women take their own lives and that just under a quarter of the men who end their own lives are aged in their early to mid forties. I remember many years ago listening to an individual who experienced an episode of severe mental illness when he described needing help but he had lost any capacity to make a decision for himself. This isn’t always the case. Many people make a very conscious decision that they think through very carefully. Mental illness and mental wellbeing are very different experiences. This also disguises some of the most harrowing events that see so many young men and women die by suicide every year. By choice or because of illness the impact is felt most by the family and loved ones that are left behind.

So with that out of the way, what have I got to add to this debate. I think what I want to get over in my blog is that good mental health or rather wellbeing, is something that is important for all of us. Being emotionally or mentally well isn’t dependent on being financially well off or famous or even the best at something. Over the past few weeks I have seen statements from a range of people, Hollywood actors, world class sports personalities and reality TV celebrities who all defined their worst period of sadness or low mood coinciding with their biggest achievements. I’m guessing that the vast majority of people can reference a time when they have thought or have heard someone say ‘what have they got to be depressed about?’ It’s all too simple to group everything together and find a reason to dismiss what we don’t want to face. 

Likewise, I wouldn’t for one second wish to get into the debate about who really did try to take their own life and who did something for attention or some other equally dismissive theory. The point is, nobody can ever really be sure what is going through someone’s mind at any point and to try to dismiss out of hand what we don’t want to see or believe is only ever likely to form part of the problem rather than the solution. Death by suicide is one of the modern world’s biggest scandals but one where we could all do so much more to help people at a time when they can only see one solution, one option. Emotional wellbeing doesn’t necessarily have such a dramatic or devastating end point but nevertheless the point is that we are all on a journey that is as individual as our fingerprint. What we can’t see we often dismissed as not real.

Importantly, if the theory is that our emotional well being is affected by life events, stress at home or work, loss of employment or status, loss of a loved one or any other critical issue, then it would be easy to understand why the risk of suicide, self harm or emotional distress extends well beyond the group of people who at any one point have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness. Not being mentally well doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is mentally ill. Being emotionally vulnerable doesn’t mean weak. Living with lots of people around you doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t be lonely. I have added an illustration to this post with the saying ‘People don’t pretend to be depressed, they pretend to be happy’. When we ask ‘are you ok?’ What we so often expect is the answer to be yes. In other words, we are really just looking for the individual to confirm the statement not to answer a question.

I spotted a post on social media advertising mental health awareness wristbands. The post intimated that they were being sold to raise money for suicide prevention. All good in principle. Someone asked a question about the organisation concerned and how the money raised would be spent and I have to say they were right to ask. The answers could have been helpful in promoting the purchase or indeed in highlighting a deception. I support a small number of charities whole heartedly but never before I understand how they do what they say they are about. However, the whole thing was taken over by a person who wanted to rubbish the concept not only of men wearing a wristband but attacking the underlying principles behind supporting men through difficult times. The whole ridiculous narrative of men needing to be strong and stoic. To get on with things. Crying or sharing their feelings is something to do with being weak, not masculine, less of a man. How much damage can anyone do in publishing such a damaging and isolating narrative. The debate then disintegrates into abuse and the opportunity for change has been snatched away. 

Whilst writing this blog, I reflect on the past ten months and two critical life events that have challenged me in ways that I wouldn’t wish to repeat. I have found that writing short pieces helps me to think through and compartmentalise the range of sometimes contrasting thoughts or feelings that have played havoc with my sense of emotional wellbeing. So often our mind goes to places we consciously don’t want to visit. It continues to push us when we least expect it. The gap between awake and asleep is the point of greatest weakness in my view. Others may disagree but that’s just my experience. Two experiences, one directly about me and the second coming in quick succession about loss. I feel guilty of feeling like the second one is about me. I feel sorry for the loss we all feel but I also want it to be ok for me to feel the deep sense of what I have lost as well.

One thing that I have clearly come to terms with is the ability to cry my eyes out at the drop of a hat. Things trigger what feel like an inappropriate or excessive emotional response. Fortunately, it isn’t something that bothers me too much. I can’t stop it happening so I learn to live and deal with it. For me every day in this life is a privilege and one to be treasured. I know that I’m strong and highly resilient having been tested in the past in situations that many would not be able to understand or comprehend. My job has put me in situations that nobody could ever describe as normal. Being strong and resilient doesn’t mean unbreakable. It doesn’t mean weak when you have a bad day, your mood is low or you badly miss the one that you have lost.

In many ways, we live our lives in transition between now and the future. Between now and the past. That bit in the middle between past and future is the ground we find ourselves in that feels the most insecure. The future won’t look like the past and the now doesn’t feel much fun.  Resilience is having the composure to understand and to trust that this part will pass. The need to make a decision about every thought or at each moment of challenge isn’t really necessary. Maybe that’s the ground that many forty odd year olds struggle to come to terms with.

Other people deal with things differently. Better or worse? There isn’t really a score we can put on things. Like I said earlier, our journeys are as unique as our fingerprints so the way we deal with key events and feelings are equally different. So often during a listening shift, I have been part of a conversation where in a full hour of constant conversation I have only spoken for probably a total of five minutes. Five minutes just clarifying a point or asking an open question. The other fifty five minutes are full of listening. It always amazes me when at the end someone thanks you for the conversation, ‘you’ve been a great help’. For most people it seems counterintuitive that saying nothing, not giving advice, not having an answer or a stock platitude to share can be helpful. We solved nothing, changed nothing and had no solutions. 

I’m not a great fan of the wise, clever one line statements that you can find all over the internet about every subject in the world but there is one I think is spot on. It explains to me why lots of people are reluctant to talk when they really need to. It explains the reason we make the statement ‘Are you ok’. It also makes perfect sense why 55 minutes of listening has such value. ‘We listen to respond not to understand’……. It’s that simple. We listen to respond. Conversations in life shut down fast when we get into who has the blackest cat. Your cat is black but mine is blacker. Your loss is sad but I know someone with a loss greater than yours doesn’t help. We all need at times to talk. To find someone to listen to understand rather than respond. To find someone who will just give us some time and not to judge us. Time is a commodity we always feel short of but is by far the most significant gift you can give anyone.

So, writing this blog has helped me to be ok with sharing my emotional state with others. I’m not depressed or mentally ill. I’m just experiencing an understandable period of feeling deeply sad. There’s nothing wrong with me, something has happened to me and to those around me who I care most about.  I get it. It changes nothing but it does help me to rationalise the ground where I currently find myself. I’m in that no man’s land between the past and the future. I’m lucky. I understand it and have people around me that care. It changes nothing but I trust that we can get through this transition. It really is ok not to be ok.

Next time you go to ask someone if they are ok, just give a thought to if you are asking for yes or truly asking to understand. You may just need to modify what you say to make sure you are clear so as not to confuse someone else. If you know someone who may be going through a tough time just check in with them. Let them know they are not alone, someone has noticed. Most importantly, try listening to understand rather than to respond. 

Big boys really do cry.

Samaritans (https://www.samaritans.org/) can be contacted 24 hours a day by calling 116123 or email:  jo@samaritans.org

For support by txt contact SHOUT (https://giveusashout.org/) by texting the word SHOUT to 85258
For mental health advice and support: https://www.mind.org.uk/